Destroyer of Boredom
As life changes, so will your circle. Life happens, and people change. Or GROW, how I like to call it. Everyone is seeking for their own happiness and peace of mind. Which means that everyone is travelling their own paths.
Being open, honest and vulnerable isn’t being weak. However, being vulnerable feels definitely uncomfortable for me and that’s why I would like to share to maybe help others to be OPEN and HONEST. To write about the struggle that I’ve been in lately is scary. Talking about it feels heavy as I’m still figuring out how to be vulnerable without being bothered by others judging or talking about me. But you know what? It will happen. I am aloud to change. TO GROW.
The best way to describe this struggle is that I feel like my spirit is crawling into a little cave every now and then whilst living in my ‘old’ environment. It goes on survival mode every now and then. I know deep inside that it’s more than OKAY who I’ve become, who I am. And others may not agree on that.
‘Leaving on a Friday night and returning on Saturday morning’, has happened in the eyes of many. That night has been nearly two years of living abroad for me though. It’s not that I’ve changed in a negative way, but people change. They grow. That’s just life. If I’m happy and healthy, which I hope for that my loved ones are too. Shouldn’t they be over the fucking moon supporting me?
Well, to be honest, the feeling of not belonging where I am at the moment is definitely there. The feeling that there aren’t many people around me that truly understand makes me feel sad and sometimes alone. Although in the core I’m happy, my emotions can run high from time to time. Different people interpret the world in different ways. I would never assume that I’m better than anyone on this planet, but the wrong culture fit is maybe the reason for the misunderstanding and sad feeling every now and then.
It’s a hard path to walk on to be TRUE to YOURSELF and to accept that not everyone will understand me or the way I want to live. I try my best to understand theirs, but it’s not easy to bridge the gap in a way that does not compromise the most important parts of me. I try and that is a good way to find connections.
What also helps is to (there we go again) practice. Withdrawal of the senses to connect to my inner self always helps. Meditation, walks in nature and yoga Nidra are few of my ‘go to’, when feeling sad or lonely… It makes me realise that I need to really listen to my inner voice, because bloody hell… that inner voice always has all the answers. And you know what? Maybe I’m not as close to this environment or them anymore and I’m seeking and finding different connections. But I’ll be here if they need me.