ALWAYS the STUDENT

October 9, 2019

It’s been a while for me to share a piece of my writing. Writing doesn’t always ask for sharing. Word-vomits and summing up my thoughts on paper can be really helpful for me. It helps me heal. It’s like processing wounds and grief. When I write down what’s going on inside it’s like I’m clearing it all out.

 

The last couple of months have been quite the ride. A ride that went too fast. A ride that was asking to slow down. Helping myself was what I needed. Looking back and sharing what happened within during this fast ride is possible helpful for others. Guess it was time to connect all the words into one piece.

 

Like I said; it was a fast ride. Moving from one point to another mentally and physically caused a lot of suffering. This moving fast and ‘being busy’ all the time was overtaking me. It all happened without me even noticing it. That’s how fast it went. With having the knowledge that more isn’t always more, I made choices that caused suffering. But why? 

 

“Everything that I do is giving. To myself. To others. That’s how I live.”

 

Giving EVERYTHING is my kind of normal. Flowing into something with everything I have made me think a lot lately. Looking back on all the choices I’ve made last couple of months I asked myself if it is bad? If this ‘giving everything’ is something that makes me suffer? I give in OR I simply give everything that I have. 

 

By giving it all, the light that I felt within slowly turned into grey. Luckily, I was aware of it before it turned into complete darkness. I guess it didn’t really work out. This giving everything. At least, that’s what I thought. It is interesting to realise that choices are made really fast when not fully aware of where you’re flowing into. 

 

“It’s always about making choices that are healthy. Clarifying the connection to ourselves (and the universe) before we can feel at peace in making new choices. Else we’re forcing a choice that is made ONLY by our logical mind. Not our intuition. That's the inner-voice we hear when we’re fully connected.”

 

Willing to gain new knowledge and skills I looked back again when I regained a bit of that connection. Being a student of your own life and learn. Where did I lose my inner-voice? Why wasn’t I capable of listening to signs? Moving too fast caused me to learn the hard way. Again.

 

Holding on to the thought that ‘it will pass’ is the big pitfall. Holding onto a time that will come to regain the connection. But when that time doesn’t come at a time you need it due to certain things around you? It causes to walk further away from that inner-voice bit by bit. It’s like a teapot. You pore and pore and pore…until you get too choked up and filling up the teapot is going to take a bit longer than your occasional spiritual practice.

 

“Everybody has their periods of darker days. What I’ve come to realise is that I felt sick from the inside. Really sick. My body, mind and soul were disconnecting and I felt far away from unity of who I am. It made me unhappy and not live fully.” 

 

The pouring had to stop as the teapot was close to empty. It’s absolutely amazing what happens when you decided to STOP and CONFRONT yourself. With everything. Again. With EVERYTHING.

 

What surprised me the most when I eventually was in the middle of gaining back my strength and logically my awareness was that I didn’t realise the stuff I should be thankful for. That I have so much to enjoy. Unable to fully experience that anymore. I’ve been in real darkness before and it made me question how I allowed myself to grow into this grey again. But hey, it’s life. We fall. We rise. We learn. We grow. 

 

Going into an isolated practice to unite mind, body and soul again was the best thing ever. Especially after years of absorbing all the information for self-healing. Realising the process and being aware of the process in a whole new level is crazy cool!

And to be honest; I’m not quite sure where the actual realisation to climb back out of the grey came from. I guess I was already busy with preparing myself to make a choice. Cause deep within I heard my inner-voice screaming. She was confronting me with what I had been doing to myself. 

 

In the end it’s all about being committed and consistent with connecting to yourself (and the universe). Especially when choices are need to be made.

 

Cause remember that IT’S ALWAYS YOU who decides how you feel and how you experience life. 

 

Oh! If you’re wondering what I exactly did to get back on track again with everything. In my next BLOG I will share what I’ve done to do so.

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