WINNING by 'FAILING'

Do you always have to work on yourself? Look inward? Is it always necessary to dig deeper? Or is it the overthinking and overanalysing that kills the state of 'being in the now'.. Living in this community here in Spain doesn't mean that I am suffering of non-freedom. That's not what I'm trying to say here. They think along with me. They help me wherever they can. They hold space and they try to give me what I need. And still, there's this feeling. A feeling of being locked up - even though I'm not. But understand that there's a lot of work to do when you aim for a balanced life within a small community. Finding balance and being kind to myself is key, so I can be kind to others. "So what does this 'being kind to myself' means?"  I've lived my life so freely the last couple of years as I've lived in different places, with different people in different communities. I've worked through layers of myself to be able to let go of a lot of things. Physically and mentally. As I always say; letting go is the hardest part in life and if you're able to do so, you're free from suffering. It asks a lot of boldness to do so. Recently I stumbled upon a picture from a year ago and it made me realise that I have shifted away from that state I was in at that time. For me it's very important to be able to pursue my goals in my own way. Although goals lie in the future it doesn't mean it should take away the power of being in the now. Respecting the process of getting closer to the goal is important. Sometimes it even means that you need to change the goal or the process towards it. Coming back to freedom in community life as it's very important to be an authentic individual to support, explore and connect within the community in your own unique way. There are responsibilities and individual duties or obligations to the community. It includes cooperation, respect and participation. In the reality of community life these are things that you're facing. And it takes a good look at yourself to handle them. Cause do you want to be around people all the time and hear about all the stuff they're going through? To constantly hold space for everyone around you? Cause within a community it's important to hold space for others. To have the awareness about yourself so you are aware about the indifferences between all the unique souls living close around you. To accept and work with the different backgrounds, cultures, languages, habits, humor, needs and so on...  To be honest living in a community is not as easy as it sounds. It's hard work as everyone acts like a mirror to your innermost self. Mirrors to learn. To grow. And the whole learning and growing thing is something that I live for. I just love it. However, I asked myself after all this time outside the 'normal system driven society' (no offence to those who do) if it was necessary and healthy for me to be in one again? Do I need to always face everything? Am I running away for something if I decide that this is just not what I want in life right now. What I learned is that I certainly love my freedom and that it's a huge trigger when it's not there. That I love being able to 'fuck off' any time. To not need to ask or to discuss if I want to do something that suits my soul.. Is it rude? Maybe even weak? Or is it just not for me right at this moment as I've done the work and I just want to be free. That another place and set-up will work better to grow and learn from. "The concept of community life goes beyond thinking and acting as individuals to common beliefs about shared interests and life." Even though the common beliefs and the thinking and acting is the same in certain communities, cause simultaneously it attracts the right people for a certain place. I feel like shared interests in life doesn't mean you need to share your life together. Even though I'm a Yogi and I live my life as one, I absolutely LOVE being outside the yoga community. Because for me Yoga is EVERYWHERE. When there's a nice balance in being in a place where people think and act completely different and other times to be with similar minded people works best for me as far as it comes to learning and growing into this thing called life. I've worked hard on finding balance and I guess I've grown out of feeling the need to be 'part of something'. I mean the yoga community or the 'spiritual community' where everyone is a 'helper' and wants to heal and help and give advice is something that I want 50% in my life. I think I'm moreover ready to create something where it's not forced, but where things rise in an organic way.

Honestly, I'm missing the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved. The power to act, speak, or think as I want. And again; nobody is locking me up or expecting that. It's the thoughts and the feelings that rise that make me suffer.

Also, because I'm extremely ambitious it makes me feel like I fail if I walk away from something that looks to good to be true. The people are amazing and the place is too beautiful. It offers a lot. However if holding on to something so tight is not what your soul deserves or desperately wants the only thing to do is to let go and walk away with grace. And that is definitely not failing. It's winning. Because you've created more awareness and you've stepped closer towards becoming one with everything that you are. You are a WINNER when you LET GO.